Day late friend.

after a long week of work, i finally have a few hours of sitting.

just sitting in the silence of my apartment, to relax and enjoy my own company.

its a rare thing to be able to do.

the demands on my time are not immense or unbearable. i just enjoy the moments of silence in between, when i get to think or do things for me.

like going to the gym

or running.

making cookies

eating boxed pasta

reading my scriptures

going on a walk to take pictures

enjoying the sun


and here is a random thought. what we want doesn't always come around to us, and maybe its okay to admit to your self that you are who you are.

i'm going to quote a movie.

eat,pray, love.

" I still love you so much." Me. " then love me." I still want you to need me". then need me."

I can't move on, i can't leave you because i know how much it will hurt. its like ripping apart something inside me. to admit that i've failed.

but time and time agian i hear this quote in my head. me "i still love you." then love me. i will be here for you when you are to weak to do this on your own, i will be your best friend when you are alone, i won't let you fail or fall or be alone for too long.

i'm talking to myself. this is what i learned, its okay to love, but at some point you have to admit that you love and its okay to move on. be your own best friend.

i'm here for me. because he won't be.

i still love you. then love me.

its okay to let go. its just the going that is hard.

again with the writting and rambling.

thinking back on my life, i realize i've made so many turns...

they take me places, i didn't always know i'd go.

and some of them are harder to turn around to find my way back to the other paths i need to take.

where i am is confusing sometimes.

i see mice in my dreams, they wake me up, i feel panicked.

what does that mean?

or the dreams where i be friend my ex's ex wife? to tell her i understand, but what is it that i understand completly?

that loving him is like trying to hold on to something that is not yours to hold?

or maybe knowing i'm only a small part of his life, and you know so much more.

mysteries are like trying to find a place in life to hide... will i ever find that place?

i feel exposed in all my schemes and easily read. my face doesn't conceal the past or the regrets i have

i can't escape you. you know me to well and i'm so predictable. that is the real truth.

we both know.

winter time is coming.. i can see it in the trees.

the leafs are changing, and the air is growing darker with the time.

i don't know where it will take me this year.. all i know is how much i hate snow.


tell me something new.

i'll tell you what i heard in my head or from a stranger i met.

life isn't what you make it, because sometimes we can't make it how we want it to be. life is what happens after we fail and pick ourselves back up again. sandwiched in with all the happy times, and things we want and suceed at.

and at the end of each day we must thank god for the blessings that we have, and find the good in the bad situations.

today its that i made it home from price safe, i have a great family, and the mice weren't there last night to wake me up again.

i have legs and so i must use them, and lungs so i must breath, and a heart that must beat.. and must love.

thats all.